“The Right Time”

Excerpted from my book Riding the Waves!

Not everyone can proudly attribute their personal shadchanim as being Dovid Hamelech and the Ohr Hachayim HaKadosh, but in the following story the case is not too far-fetched.

As related by “Aviva” to the author, Tamar Ansh.

I was twenty-three years old, originally born in Israel and a fluent Hebrew speaker, growing up in New York since the age of two.  I was teaching at a local Yeshiva elementary school and was quite fed up with the New York dating scene.

I gave my parents quite a hard time too, since my dream was to live in Israel which didn’t make life any easier; how many New York men actually wanted to make aliyah?  And this was in the early ‘80’s when chucking everything and running off to the Middle East was not exactly in style.  The social pressure of friends getting married made it even harder.  My parents started worrying and I was being pressed from all sides.

I decided to take a year off from teaching and try my luck in Israel since I figured this way I’d have better chances to fulfill my dream of eventually living there.  My boss promised to hold my job for me when I’d get back but underneath it all I kept praying for a good reason to not come back!  I really had my hopes up knowing that there were people in Israel looking out for me, especially my sister and her husband who were trying very hard on my behalf.  I agreed to any open suggestions, different kinds of shadchanim, and tried all the various segulot including the forty days by the Kotel (twice!).  I felt I had stooped so low at some points out of desperation, feeling I must do my hishtadlut, and not knowing where to draw the line.  I’d do almost anything, as long as I didn’t have to go back to New York “empty-handed”.  I was sure all my efforts would lead me to my bashert.  I overworked myself in my illusion that all the effort was only in my hands…

Being in Israel for the year was a very rewarding and uplifting experience but the dating scene was still very disappointing.  Although I went out with some very nice boys, and some more serious than others, including a few with ‘big yichus’, deep down I knew I was wasting my time and energy.  And I wouldn’t settle for anyone less than a mentch!  There were some “interesting” dates I hoped to forget very quickly. 

With a heavy heart I decided finally to take my parents’ advice and head back home to New York after the year; after all, I did commit myself to my job.  But the thought of leaving Israel, especially Jerusalem, was in my eyes a regression I can’t adequately describe.

I had one week left in Israel and I spent most of it just taking in the beauty of the city.  I went often to the Kotel at night and prayed fervently for a quick comeback.  I asked Hashem to give me a sign that I would be back soon to live here and not to lose hope.  Just then a bird flew overhead and chose that minute to drop his package right on my head.  I broke out in a smile, looked up and thought, “Thank you, G-d, but I guess I should have specified which sign!”  I silently continued praying under the magnificent star-studded sky for a yeshua, and then went home.

The next day I got a call from a friend’s husband, whom I had met during my year in Israel.  I became quite friendly with this special couple and they tried numerous times to set me up throughout my stay.  This time Daniel wanted to introduce me to a neighbor and chavrusa, a “real mentch”, by the name of Benny.  Everything sounded promising until he got to the part where he told me this young man was a baal-teshuva, new returnee to Judaism, who was still living in his non-religious but traditional home setting  with his wonderful family, and doing the best he could under the circumstances. 

“Out of the question!”, I told him, “I’m an ‘FFB’ (frum/religious from birth), a Bais Yaakov graduate, teaching Limudei Kodesh in a good school, etc., etc., etc.  I feel sorry that he’s struggling so hard on his own but I’m no Rachel and he’s certainly no Rabbi Akiva…but thanks for thinking of me.  In any case I am going back in a week and I don’t want to think of another date until I get back home.  Baalei Teshuva’s (BT’s) make me nervous anyhow – you never know how far they’ll go.”

After that long speech I gave him, my friend’s husband innocently put me in my place with a very hurt expression – “But you know that I’m a Baal Teshuva too, remember?”

Get the full book Riding the Waves!

Only then did I realize that I had stuck my foot in my mouth and had completely forgotten that indeed he was, and he was so normal.  He was American, his wife FFB Israeli, and both of them had married in their thirties, and raised a beautiful family.  I felt awful and decided to agree to meet Benny only to do this couple a ‘favor’ and compensate for my stupidity. 

Although my heart and mind were already set on New York, I figured what’s another number anyway, I’m only getting closer.  My only regret in meeting Benny was the fact that leading him on was not fair – I was therefore very clear with him during our phone conversation that I was intent on leaving for the States in a week.  He still pursued the shidduch anyways. 

I was pleasantly surprised by the way he came across.  He did not sound like the typical Israeli sabra and was, in fact, very soft-spoken.  We met for the first time at my sisters’ apartment and I made no effort beforehand to prepare for this meeting.  In fact, I hadn’t even changed my dress after coming home from the shuk that day claiming I was not going to even try and impress this one!  At my sister’s insistence I put on a touch of makeup and brushed my hair before his arrival.  When he knocked and I opened the door, all that struck me was a full untrimmed jet black beard, thinking to myself – how typical for a baal teshuva, and what a shame it’s hiding his perfect facial features — and his silver-rimmed glasses that were hiding striking blue eyes.  He didn’t remember to pull down his pant’s cuffs either after getting off his bicycle.  He obviously didn’t own a car!  In short, I felt we were pretty even concerning appearances; neither of us tried very hard!

Throughout the evening I could tell he was a very mature, quiet and attentive person and his thirst for Judaism very much appealed to me, but in the back of my mind I repeatedly said – NO BT’s!!  He was a teacher too, working in the field of communications, and I later learned what a tremendous influence he had on his non-religious students who adored him, and his army peers who respected him as well.

After that first date I said my good-byes, not knowing exactly how to end this politely.

Benny went home that evening very hopeful and called me directly the next evening for another date before I left the country, but I came up with all kinds of excuses and put him off.  He was very disappointed but wouldn’t give up, as I would later find out.

I was sitting on the plane heading for New York when I started flashbacking at the experiences I had that year and reminiscing about all the dates I’d been through.  If some hadn’t been so funny I probably would have cried.  I remember thinking to myself, what a shame for that last one who came the closest.  He’s everything I’m looking for in a husband but ‘of course, he’s not the one’.

I consoled myself by telling myself yet again that G-d has His plans and I must keep believing that everything is for the best.  I could hear my father’s oft repeated words of wisdom ringing in my ears – “Don’t pray only for the right one to come along because for everyone there is a right one; remember to also pray for the right time to come.”

And that I did fervently, especially with Elul now right around the corner and the High Holy Days approaching.  I felt I was on a spiritual high from all I had learned and done during my year in Israel, but that feeling left me with a bump as soon as I landed back in New York.  I decided I would just have to get on with my life as best as possible and throw myself back into my work.  I tried to remain as hopeful as I could…

Right before Rosh Hashanah I received an airmail letter addressed to me with a return address from Jerusalem with the name “Benny” above it.  At first I tried recalling which one was Benny, completely forgetting who he was after such a lapse in time.  After opening the rather thick envelope I finally remembered and was even a bit annoyed after reading a “letter of recommendation” he had included from a mutual Rav we both knew and held in high esteem.

Benny once confided in this Rav after our one and only date, as he had once learned by him, and told him how much he wanted to pursue this shidduch even though I showed no interest.  When the Rav asked my name he was pleasantly surprised and told Benny he knew my family well and would put in a good word on his behalf.  Although the letters were written in good taste and memories kept flooding my mind, I felt this character was a bit too pushy for me.

However, my supportive family insisted that corresponding through letters in no way obligated me so out of courtesy I answered back…but only after a while!…and our correspondence began.  His letters came at a quick pace and although I had to admit I even looked forward to receiving them I didn’t want to commit myself in any way.  At one point I felt so pressurized by the whole thing that I called ‘our relationship’ off and told him we were both free to date other people.  It was only fair at such a long distance.

I was looking forward to participating in the first annual Arachim Seminar in Tarrytown, Pennsylvania, the first to take place in the U.S., bringing with it many prominent figures from Israel.  I felt at home again.  It was a huge success and as head of the children’s program I felt a deep satisfaction from our tedious work.  I kept thinking to myself how I couldn’t wait to share my experiences with Benny and tell him all about the miracles I’d witnessed of families returning to Judaism.  He would certainly understand.  We even got a special bracha from Rabbi Uri Zohar who commended us for our devotion and hard work and blessed us to build our own Bayit Ne’eman soon, at which we all answered whole-heartedly “AMEN”! 

There was also a Rabbi Y. who was a dynamic speaker and little did I know that Benny had been in touch with him all along too.  He knew me and my family well. He caught me off guard in the lobby of the hotel one day when he addressed me in public and exclaimed, “Why don’t you give Benny a chance?!  He has the finest middos, is an honest, sincere and humble person, and is going to make a fabulous husband.  What’s wrong with him?”  I was afraid the next statement would be “What’s wrong with YOU?” 

After turning every shade of pink, I was quick to answer, “There’s nothing wrong at all.  In fact, we’re even corresponding through letters and everything is going well…”  That seemed to pacify him and I made sure to stay clear of him again for the rest of the seminar.

I came home completely confused, only to discover another letter from Benny waiting for me.  In the meantime I was introduced to someone completely different, a very nice young man named Ilan, an Israeli living in New York.

I figured this would be the true test as to how I felt about Benny. 

Get the full book Riding the Waves!

Ilan and I went out quite seriously.  We enjoyed each others’ company.  In the meantime, the letters and the phone calls from Benny stopped coming.  I assumed he finally got the message but deep down I was sorry to end the relationship.  I didn’t know if I truly gave Benny a chance to prove himself.  Through his letters I saw an honest and modest man with special middot.  My sister’s pep talks encouraged me not to give him up so easily.  I admitted to her that I was just too scared of the unknown.  He was much too quiet and serious for me but my sister kept insisting that men change after marriage and do open up eventually.  I just don’t see his humorous side yet, she kept repeating, but it will surface. 

I kept comparing Benny to every young man I had ever met.  On my final date with Ilan I was completely beside myself.  It turned out that Ilan didn’t have immediate plans of moving to Israel, and on top of it all he was a full-fledged vegetarian.  I discovered some other minor flaws which bothered me and finally realized that I just couldn’t see myself living his kind of life in New York.

Now I was really confused and as depressed as ever.  That same evening I retreated to our finished basement and cried my eyes out during the Maariv davenning and with all my heart prayed – “אתה חונן לאדם דעת ומלמד לאנוש בינה “.  I begged Hashem to help guide me in the right direction.  I was just a puppet on a string and didn’t know the next step.  After relieving all that built up tension through prayer and tears, I opened up a Tehillim, and prayed that Dovid Hamelech would give me some sound advice. 

And he did.

I opened up exactly to the following verse – (Perek 37, Passuk 3-4) “בטח בד’ ועשה טוב שכן ארץ וראה אמונה…ויתן לך משאלות לבך” .

It was staring me in the face.  My dilemma was solved!  Israel, Benny, here I come.

It was that extra push and assurance that I needed because I knew deep down that that’s what I longed for. 

But how do I know he’s still interested?  I haven’t heard from him in a while and quite frankly, I couldn’t blame him, either.  I deserved to be dumped! 

Again I turned to Hashem for guidance and sure enough that same evening I got a phone call from Israel, none other that Benny himself.  It was so good to hear his voice again.  He told me of all the obstacles he faced while trying to call me all week and didn’t succeed in reaching me until that very night. 

He then asked me bluntly whether I could come to Israel for a visit in the near future as his army status wouldn’t allow for a leave then.  I had just recently seen an unbeatable offer on very cheap El-Al rates to Israel, and decided it would be better anyway to fly to Israel for midwinter vacation rather than the winter flock to Florida.  I booked a flight with a friend for a ten day glorious, unforgettable vacation in the Holy Land.  Benny and I saw each other almost daily and really got to know each other well.  I felt so much more secure in my decision and before I left for the airport back to New York, he presented me with a unique necklace he purchased at a fair at the age of seventeen and made sure to hold onto for his future wife – ten years later!  I was touched, to say the least.

Benny’s turn:

I had been on my way to meet a nurse I was being introduced to who lived in my neighborhood.  Even before starting my trek to her house, I felt from the phone conversation that this one was not for me religiously.  It was with a heavy heart that I went to meet her and I literally broke down sobbing from fear of rejecting yet another girl.  It seemed to be happening all too often and I couldn’t handle that again.

I made an about face and took a different route all the way praying to Hashem that this should be the last girl I’d ever have to reject because turning someone down and hurting their feelings made me feel miserable.  It was becoming too much for me to bear.  I kept hoping she’d reject me first.  For some odd reason I chose another direction again and just as I did, I ran into Daniel, my close neighbor and morning chavrusa.  On the spot he immediately told me of a shidduch he had in mind, and after getting all the information on Aviva in less than five minutes, I agreed to meet her although I had my reservations.  I was never keen on meeting an American girl.  The idea sounded too foreign to me but I was willing to try.  This “chance” meeting with Daniel seemed too coincidental after my praying so hard.  I was also told she was leaving back to New York in a week so I called her immediately the following day.

After that first meeting, I came home elated.  I even put down my feelings on paper in which I wrote about the wonderful feeling of finally having found my bashert!  I kept that “diary” until our wedding day to prove to my wife what a positive feeling I had about our shidduch from the start.

Aviva kept beating around the bush and obviously the distance made matters harder.  I was intent on making this work and didn’t know how much to push.  In the meantime, I found out that Aviva was dating someone quite seriously in New York.  I kept trying to call her all week long, unsuccessfully.  By divine providence I was not able to get through.  For some strange and inexplicable reason, each time the connections were broken and at one point a foreign operator speaking Spanish came on and I had no idea where she came from.  Obviously she was not able to help me.  I began having doubts and wondered if I should just call this off already – perhaps this is a sign from Above.

My total confusion led me to a source, any source, and I prayed I’d find an answer as to which direction I should take.  Drop her, or not?

I pulled out a Chumash Bereishit from my bookcase, and as if a Hand was guiding me, I put it right back and pulled out a Sefer Shemot instead.  I opened up exactly to this verse:

(Perek 2, Passuk 21) “ויוא-ל משה…ויתן את צפורה בתו” .  My eyes directed me to one of my favorite commentaries, the Ohr HaChayim Hakadosh, and right before my eyes I got my message:

“להודיע כי היא בת זוגו” .

Know that she is his soul mate.

It was truly amazing and I felt that my prayers were answered.  If this isn’t Divine Providence, then what is??

I immediately tried the phone again and sure enough, this time I finally got through to Aviva.  Aviva told me she had just broken up that very day with the person she had been seeing and was planning a trip to Israel now at my request.  And the rest is history…

Aviva’s side again:

After twenty years of marriage, and my husband’s now trimmed, no longer so jet black beard, I think back at all the Hashgocha Pratit we had in our shidduch.  All my hesitations and negative feelings I felt then puts me to shame today after learning so much from Benny’s wisdom and character all these years.  He has proven to be the best husband and father anyone could ask for.  My respect and admiration for him grows stronger each day and looking back at all my “trials and tribulations” as a single, it was definitely worth the wait.  Because when the time is right, he comes.

POSTSCRIPT:

This second shidduch book of mine, Riding the Waves was published quite a few years ago yet every stoy is still relevant (and even more so!) today — after all, we always need to have shidduchim and everyone wants to get married! B’H the people profiled in the story above have married off nearly all their children by now and are happy grandparents, their beautiful relationship and home deepening all the time…

So now you too can get the full book Riding the Waves! Or send it as a gift to someone you care about.

Want me to speak at your next event? Present one of my trademark Jerusalem Challah Experiences? Sure! Reach out to me right here, I’d be happy to speak with you!